a dIrEcT aPpRoAcH~~

Monday, February 02, 2004


I kept holding my feelings back. I tried to deny that there's no more "special feelings" left, n sadly, i realised that only now that i'm lying to myself. How i wish i could just deny it until the feelings are no more there. I held back my tears many many times today. Y? Cause i want to hide my sadness in front of other people. Benedict have been helping me today. He hinted n teased at some point.

Went kw house today after going causeway to get benedict's vday present. Was enjoying his chocolates, lying on his bed, reading 8-days n lastly PILLOW FIGHTING. Argh~. Damn kw, scratched my hand, n sad to say, the markS left from his fingernail ARE still there now~! It's been about 11++hrs~! Was hitting him when he's not on defensive mode, N then he declared that if i hit him once again, he'll not talk to me for 1HRS. I was not that happy to hear that. Today was the first time we did not talk much at all! I'm usually the one that's asking questions, n him being the one that answer my questions, but somehow, i did not ask him questions. It's not because i've got nothing to ask, it's because i said that i wanted to depend on myself for any other web design knowledge, N that left me with nothing to ask about. There's a weird atmosphere around us. Argh~

For the whole day today, Benedict was the middle man. He had to entertain both of us. When i was able to get him to chat, we were talking about my "love problem" once again. Consulted him a few things. "Platonic relationship between opposite sex don't exist"-extract from Channel8(singapore TV channel) comedy show. Is it true? I was once sure about that.. but maybe.. not that anymore. I fall for a friend i once considered that it's impossible between us. Benedict N his once bestfriend is an item now. Chemistry between people.. why the hell does that exist? Sigh~.

Direct hinting, Right Here, Right Now! I wonder whether he's reading this, as he did not leave comments for a long long time. I wonder whether he stop by here at all. Just want to say that, "If u don't have those special feelings like i do, just ignore everything. I think i've done quite a lot of hinting, n i guess, if things don't work out, we'll just act as if nothing happen n just be friends. Please don't let this stupid special feeling thingy spoil our friendship." It's kinda like e first time we acted as though we were stranger today. When Benedict boarded his bus, i went to sat at a corner, n he stood at another corner. When on the bus, i stand at a corner, n he sat somewhere else. I was smsing Benedict n he was commenting how stubborn we both are. From the situation, it seems like it's my fault, but i'm angry because of other things - a feelings i cant explain. I was holding back my tears back then when e CD i was listening to, play the song, "stuck in my heart".

When i reached my aunt house after a long day of visiting, i ate, then sat n c them gamble. I accidentally spill a cup of drink on their cards, n i knew, EVERYONE was blaming me, although i was NOT e one that left the cup there. I left for the room N started crying. Tears dropped down for a long long time. The tears i've held back all fell at that moment. I cried not cause of the cards, but for all that have happened. Friendship ruined, hand pain, everyone hates me N i might as well die. Another reason y i want to die early is because, i don't have a purpose of living. I don't think anyone would care a damn if i left this world. No one would miss me, as i meant nothing to anyone. The rest of e "unfallen-tears" are falling now. Argh~.

"I don't want to grow up" - extract from Peter Pan. I don't want to too. I don't want even to have that special feelings. I hated it. It spoils everything. The once friends became somewhat like enemies. Argh~. If i were still 10 yrs old, i would NOT have that sorta feelings too. This is what Peter Pan is avoiding Wendy for eh? So as not grow up n know about grown up feelings n future.

In conclusion, i've done all that i can to say my feelings. I've used the indirect approach N direct approach, if nothing works, it's time i "rinse" off all that feelings. Life's still long, N that is what i dread!

2/02/2004 01:56:00 AM|