coldness~~

Sunday, October 17, 2004


Things did not go on very well for me lately. I seem to have some sort of cold war with Louis. That's real bad. Till know, i don't dare to allow myself to put all my feelings in. I don't ever want to get hurt again.

After going on a outing with friends, i'm exposed to alot of their love stories. It left me feeling envious of them. How i wish one day i would have that "sweet" feeling. There's no more sweetness around me and Louis. Somehow, the spark seems to die off. I don't want it to happen, but it just does. Maybe it's because we are living in different world, somehow. I'm an undergrad, who are used to study life which are stressed. I went through both working and stressed-at-study time, while he only went through hard-at-work times. He don't really understand how hard i'm coping with my own studies. I wanted to explain that to him, but it'll sound offensive, somehow.

I suddenly have those despo feelings. I don't know why. Maybe it's because as one gets older, they'll think more bout that. Somehow, i think i've never experienced a real sweet romance before. I don't even remember how's it like to have guy telling me "Can you be my gf?" It's like... I'm too ugly, fat and old to have that. Somehow, i hate everything about me.

If Olive is reading this, she'll be preaching to me again, saying that God had planned someone for me, and it's just not the right time he came out. Patience... somehow, i don't think i have that anymore. Sigh.. studying is making me go crazy. It makes me think of stupid yet relevant stuff. It stops me from avoiding the issue i once avoided. Sigh. But, studying is the only way i can get my mind off stuff. And guess i should be reading more of the bible.

One thing i found out lately. "If you n someone of an opposite sex are good friends, if you don't think too much into ya friendship, e good-friend-relationship would last. If u start to probe and ask yaself questions about the relationship, you might find some feelings, of not friendship but love, in it. ". I wished for that thing to happen to me, but i doubt that it'll happen. E only thing i can ask for now is.. To coordinate my mind n soul in studying for the coming exams."

10/17/2004 01:54:00 AM|