tired.. tired of it all...

Monday, March 26, 2012

Life consists of Ups and Downs. I'm going through my Down.

My first post after such a long time. Previous post was about a random wedding topic, and how time flies. I'm getting married too, but recently, i don't feel excited.. work really dump my mood to a deep deep pit.

Work was getting real depressing for me. I'm seeing everybody in the office travelling to Europe... Bosses appreciating their hardwork and so on. Time flies and i've already worked for about 4 years in the company, but NEVER once was i sent overseas by the company. :(

In order to learn more things, I got out of a rather relaxing project and hop into the role of System Engineer. I got to experience a different scope which encompasses taking care of all aspects of a project from doing system documents, to creating manuals, to giving training to users, to creating acceptance test documents to conducting different type of acceptance tests. After doing that for ONE and a half year, the following year seems as bleak. Another project which is very similar to what i am doing now.

I jumped out from the relaxing project and now, the guy that is doing the same project as me previously just went UK for a technical training that doesn't really relate directly to the project. If i stay put in that project, i'll would have travel together this time. Why the FISH do i get out of that project? If i'm still doing that project, i'll have a MUCH BETTER AND RELAX LIFE!

Going to work everyday is a chore. It's making me lifeless. Tuitions after work are kinda tiring too, but i love my students all the more.

Been sorting out my choices recently. Should i really venture into teaching? Currently, waiting for MOE to reply me on the result of the post graduate teaching post. Ever since the interview when they mentioned teaching normal technical, i've been questioning myself whether i'm up for that challenge. Sigh. Will i end up suffering from depression? I'm really really lost. What can i do next? What should i do?

This year really isn't a good year for me.

At some point of time, life leads me to a cross road. Where should i go next? Will I be able to turn back once choice is made up? It's a tough choice, but this choice will have to be made.


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Wedding is a sacred thing. It binds a couple together, forever (if possible). It's a start of a new life, with a new family. For most women, it may meant a completion to their perfect life.

When will it be time before a couple tie the knots? How will you know whether the guy/ger you are with, is someone you can live with forever? Does "Forever Love" still exists?

Time is right when the feeling is right.
Time is right when you feel that you can be dependent on that guy.
Time is right when both parties have absolute trust on one another.
Time is right when you are sure he'll be faithful.

When everything is right, maybe that's the time to start a new family... Trust is very important though. A couple must have confidence and absolute trust that both are loyal to one another. No insecurity. No doubts. All dark secrets should either be revealed or buried as secrets.

For women, maybe the best we can do is to try to keep the heart of the man. Be it with cooking or maintaining of figures. Don't let your man stray.. even if he does, pretend you don't know... cos it's just a "stray" and he'll come back to you. If you don't trust him, there'll be no end to problems that you may encounter.

Ex gf are expired. They're EX and it means they won't be fresh anymore. Don't focus on them... cos they're not the dangerous one. Blame the one that strayed, and not the "party" that ya spouse look for... caused they may not know anything at all, as just maybe, your spouse is "painting another picture" for them to see...

Just a random thought by a single and random-thinking xia~~

No Expectations

Friday, July 17, 2009

Xia is free from boyfriend... free from the agony of having to be an empty shell. She can finally be herself, but she must overcome mistakes from repeating and falling that easily.

Past few days for me has been a very very frustrating and tiring week for me. Once again, i started to have crush on a friend. Main reason being of the feeling of being treated like a woman, and the rather frequent contact and special feelings i suddenly have. It was rather bad... when sms did not come as often as the days progresses.

I prayed about it, hoping the feeling will go away, hoping that God will help me, lead me and STOP me from having such feelings so often. I don't need guys right? Y the hell am i always falling for people just because they treat me nice? Why then do i have guys buddy who i dun fall for? Y can my buddy be my buddy, but why will i have certain feelings for certain guys insteaD? sigh...

My prayer was answered the following day, which confirm that, he is slowly fading to become a friend... a good friend maybe. Someone to crap with. Someone that most probably that i can finally stop having feelings for. And maybe someone that can provide me with inputs from guy's perspectives in the future?

I need to sort out my thoughts... really think through what i want in life. Life seems to get ... really really boring.. i am working and tuitioning and indeed there dun seem to be a purpose in my life. I AM busy.. but i dun wan to just be busy making money... but now i cant give up making it. I need some time by myself, and stop falling for whatever guy that comes along.. SIGHZ~~

My bday is coming.. Actual day wise, i don't feel like giving tuitions. Most prob i'll be by my own... maybe driving out somewhere.... and just think.... and maybe i can go shop alone after that to spoil myself... i just dun wanna stay home. . . i felt i'm quieter lately...

Meanwhile, i'll just live without expectations, and not fall for any guy. I will overcome my feelings with the help of prayers and God's power.. i wanna go back to Him.

Life will be so much simplier without so many expectations...

"love" update

Monday, July 13, 2009

Xia's relationship turn out to be the same again. Same ending. The end.

For a very long time, i have been trying to stay in a relationship. Feeling wise, it seems to have died down. I was just an empty shell, unclear of my next step. It always is a WRONG time. Exam period for him, period where he needs support. SIgh...

In actual fact, he's a great guy. He bought me flowers, he made my cards, he listened to what i say, but there's just too many other differences between us.

I cant share my prob with him. He will criticise me. I cant share my mentoring experience with him, cos he has his own experience, and mine always seems to be different and wrong. I cant tell him i went out late, as he'll start nagging. I have to sms him in the morning or at night, which i simply did it so as to stop his nagging. I'm becoming a SHELL~~

So, i've made up my mine. I wanted a new start. I wanted to lead my own life for some time. I need to sort out my thinking... what do i really want? Alot to ponder.. a lot to think... i'll try to do that during my jogging session.

Being too rush leads to problem after problems... i hate having regrets..

short update

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Xia loaded herself with lots of commitment, but she's really growing through the commitments.

It's been a very long time since i've updated my blog. Just some updates.

~ My Project Vibrant Color 2 (PVC2) mentoring is still in progress. My friend/colleague and i is trying to do our part by being not only mentors, but really throwing ourselves to experience what the student have to do. We are collecting acknowledge photos (thanking the people that impact your life in anyway through contribution of photos and writing thankyou words on it) and fundraising for Singapore Brain And Spine Injury Foundation.

** My commitment:

1) mentoring students to achieve their personal goal, and fulfilling the required tasks. Right now, i am trying to "stir" up conflicts so as to see how they go about solving them. My team is too "anything". They are okay with whatever decision and will not go the extra miles to do more. Sighz.

2) doing appreciation bookmarks and maybe posters to raise awareness in company so as to collect more funds and photos. Hope my friend will help me to collect the photos too. :)

~ Diving trip is set on 24th to 26th April. I am going diving with my colleagues. We have to finish one rather big book on theory and go for pool session before the actual dive. Everything is finally confirmed, and i have to take some time off to really study hard.

~ Tuitions are ongoing. I got another new tutee, so i have 9 students on hand. Some has only one session, and some are in pairs, so it's not as bad. At least i managed to squeeze out 2 wkdays as free days.

~ Training for Adidas Sundown 42km. I know it'll be impossible for me to complete everything without stopping, but i'm training to at least complete half of it by running, and the rest maybe by very slow jog. Right now, pushing muself to run thrice per wk, and 11.8km every time, meaning i'll clock 35.4km per week. Last 2 weeks, i only managed to clock 22km due to lack of time. Sighz.

~ I am still an engineer working full time, so 830-6pm will still be working time for me. Project getting busier. Have to push harder to achieve some results. Lately, been super tired at work due to lack of slp, thus i am forcing myself to slp earlier.

~ I still have a bf. We are finally together for a yr. Finally, my one yr curse is BROKEN! Anyway, he has been rather supportive despite knowing my hectic schedule. We meet for our wkend. Quarrels happen at times, but we are working together to solving it. The major problem now is that, i cant think of future with him, knowing that he's not a christian and future with him will be tough. Unless he converts, i won't be able to really love him. There can be many differences among us, but as long as we have a common God, our faith n love can last. That's my view, and i strongly believe in that.

Life is busy, but i know my family, friends, fulfillment and of course God is supporting me, thus going through it all will be easier.

another chance given

Monday, January 26, 2009

Maybe all along i've been focusing too much on his bad points, just like how my friend remembers all the "aeroplane" i flew.

Last year, chinese new yr chu 1, i was in contact with steve again. We were both souls that stay home during new year. My mum went overseas, and my dad decided to drive his taxi. We were just friends.

There were happy times together. Times when we went KL without staying over, we went malaysia n stayed for a night, and we went Bintan after my taiwan trip.

Things he did for me: despite not being around for my bday and graduation, he went to shop for gifts before that, and asked his friend to pass it to me on the morning of my convocation. Bintan trip was planned by him when i was in Taiwan.

There was times when i missed him so badly when i went genting with my friends, that i got rather angry that all i can do it to call him on the phone, instead of having him there with me, unlike my friends who have their bf with them.

He was the first guy who made handicraft for me. He wrote me notes, putting them in a "photo-book" he made when he left for China. He packed my room when i went working, and before he went to school when he stayed over at my house. He'll leave behind note telling me to drink more water.

Things turned sour when money issue came into place, and it took some time before he finally changed for the better. That was the time when i got really tired. But, he really did change and start listening to reasons i tried to explain to him. It's just that, i was still feeling that he was taking me for granted.

We always have small little quarrels. Quarrel happened even when i attempted to cook for him. That was when it really pisses me off.

But, despite all that, a lot of things had happened. Last sunday, i attempted to really want a cool off.. a break.. from everything.. as i think all these may be wrong from the start.

He was very sad. He did certain things which shocked me. He brought nian huo to my house, and did not wait for me to be home as he knew i would be angry. My mum insisted him to join us in our reunion dinner, so i asked him along. Throughout the entire period when i asked him to leave me alone, he did not sms much. He only msn me. He told me he'll change. He'll listen. He'll even be receptive to my religion. He promised to certain conditions i set. He became... gentler?

I am still confused over my feelings for him. He did a lot le. He promised a lot le. I can really sense his sincerity.. but i am still searching my feelings. He is not as bad as i sound him to be... it's just that, he was "bad" for a considerable time. I was focusing a lot on his "badness". I was disappointed as i don't sense that he appreciated what i did for him.

For the patch up, other than buying nian huo, he made a note, and input in a few pics. He bought me flowers and a tortoise speaker, because i like tortoise. He wrote a 10 pages stories on how we started and the happy times we had. Certain things he mentioned was forgotten by me, but recapped.

Guess i was touched. I did not really give him enough chance to explain.. So i guess i really should give him another chance. Furthermore, my parents like him a lot. Think maybe all my ex-es set a very low standard in their heart. Wahaha. But maybe he realy shine among the rest. :) Hope that this time round, things will turn for e better. All i have to do now is to get back my feeling..

Trust is important to sustain a relationship. Attached guy can have gd ger friends, n attached ger can have gd guy friends. I just hope for trust in that.

Taking time off

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I guess finally i reaslised... i need a break... from this thing called BGR.

Inclusive of this relationship, i always have to be "understanding" on their part. Despite trying my best, i was always deemed as being not as understanding enough. I don't know whether it was really because i demanded a lot.

Starting from my relationship with ryan to delwin, we met more often. Maybe is because of the "often-ness" that problem arises or i became taken for granted. So, moving on to this relationship, we don't meet as often. Mainly it's because steve has his own commitment and we stayed really very far apart.

Indeed i have a car to drive recently, but i did not want to commute. Way before that, he is always the one that rode over. It may seem to work well, but many issues were encountered in the midst of it all.

Firstly, steve financial state was bad. He's in debt and has lesser extra money used for dating. At times, or mostly, to not add on to his stress, i'll try to buy things for him in his exam period. I spent money on biscuits or things he needed. I spent money on his petrol when he rode over. At first, it was ok, but me, being a "tell-it-all-to-my-friend" person, friend told me he is not a gd guy, mainly because it seemed as if he dun feel shy when i pay for stuff.. I tried to defend him, but as time goes by, their words sank in.

I know i should stand by him, and i have been trying my best to do that. But, maybe at times, he don't show appreciation that obviously, thus making me misunderstood him. I knew he changed for the better in some things he did, but, it seems to be too late. Not only this issues that numb me, it's more of the frequent arguments we had.

We always quarreled bout small issue. Issue like: "Olive told me sentosa's chalet is cheaper on xmas eve, so i just asked him whether he want to go, knowing deep down that he will reject. But when i just casually asked him, he chided me on not being understanding, and that i demanded alot."

Many of such issues caused me to try my best to avoid argument. What i did was to ignore, and not talk back. In time, everything sink in, i was drained. No more love juice. Numbness.

We cant communciate well, and we are very different. I don't see a future with him, although i think i once felt he was the right one. I guess i ventured into a relationship without tihnking through well. It seemed to be like that after my relationship with ryan. Sigh. I was with delwin as i got myself to think that i should be with a christian, and that he was the right one. I got into the relationship with steve thinking he will get his degree and we really suits one another as our education level will be on par. I thought maybe future together will be highly possible.

Steve don't want to break, so all i can offer is cool down period. I want some time for myself. I don't want to be vexed over relationship anymore. I don't want to always be mindful of what i said to bf. I just want to do what i like, and report only to my parents. I want to meet more people, and be REALLY cheerful, instead of FAKING to be when i am sad. I want to really think of what i want and go through careful thoughts before going into the next relationship. That is what i want... time off.. to be selfish.

Even now, i felt guilty. Steve is having his 3rd year, 2nd sem. I don't want to affect his studies. My parents like him alot. My dad saw as "talking" on monday morning when he came to find me to talk. My parents asked whether we quarreled. My dad mentioned yesterday that he is a gd guy, and that i shouldn't be that bad to him. I did not tell them about my issue with him. I just nodded. Sigh.

He promised to change now, but is it useful? Will it really change anything? Me n louis also patch n break many times. He always promise to change, but in the end, nothing seem to be able to work out.. I'm tired. I know i should not generalise the entire scenario, but i'm just more comfortable with my stand now - to stay alone.

Sigh. I felt like setting up a challenge for him. Maybe to request him to stay away from me for e entire semester. If he can do well for his studies, i'll go back to him. At least this way, it may give me some "rest" time, and him to rethink AGAIN what he wants. I want him to do well in his studies. Sigh. . . I need even more time to myself.

Knowing i may appear heartless, i have to do what i must. I don't know how i feel anymore, except, to live for myself. I need more time.

1/22/2009 08:24:00 AM|