Taking time off

Thursday, January 22, 2009


I guess finally i reaslised... i need a break... from this thing called BGR.

Inclusive of this relationship, i always have to be "understanding" on their part. Despite trying my best, i was always deemed as being not as understanding enough. I don't know whether it was really because i demanded a lot.

Starting from my relationship with ryan to delwin, we met more often. Maybe is because of the "often-ness" that problem arises or i became taken for granted. So, moving on to this relationship, we don't meet as often. Mainly it's because steve has his own commitment and we stayed really very far apart.

Indeed i have a car to drive recently, but i did not want to commute. Way before that, he is always the one that rode over. It may seem to work well, but many issues were encountered in the midst of it all.

Firstly, steve financial state was bad. He's in debt and has lesser extra money used for dating. At times, or mostly, to not add on to his stress, i'll try to buy things for him in his exam period. I spent money on biscuits or things he needed. I spent money on his petrol when he rode over. At first, it was ok, but me, being a "tell-it-all-to-my-friend" person, friend told me he is not a gd guy, mainly because it seemed as if he dun feel shy when i pay for stuff.. I tried to defend him, but as time goes by, their words sank in.

I know i should stand by him, and i have been trying my best to do that. But, maybe at times, he don't show appreciation that obviously, thus making me misunderstood him. I knew he changed for the better in some things he did, but, it seems to be too late. Not only this issues that numb me, it's more of the frequent arguments we had.

We always quarreled bout small issue. Issue like: "Olive told me sentosa's chalet is cheaper on xmas eve, so i just asked him whether he want to go, knowing deep down that he will reject. But when i just casually asked him, he chided me on not being understanding, and that i demanded alot."

Many of such issues caused me to try my best to avoid argument. What i did was to ignore, and not talk back. In time, everything sink in, i was drained. No more love juice. Numbness.

We cant communciate well, and we are very different. I don't see a future with him, although i think i once felt he was the right one. I guess i ventured into a relationship without tihnking through well. It seemed to be like that after my relationship with ryan. Sigh. I was with delwin as i got myself to think that i should be with a christian, and that he was the right one. I got into the relationship with steve thinking he will get his degree and we really suits one another as our education level will be on par. I thought maybe future together will be highly possible.

Steve don't want to break, so all i can offer is cool down period. I want some time for myself. I don't want to be vexed over relationship anymore. I don't want to always be mindful of what i said to bf. I just want to do what i like, and report only to my parents. I want to meet more people, and be REALLY cheerful, instead of FAKING to be when i am sad. I want to really think of what i want and go through careful thoughts before going into the next relationship. That is what i want... time off.. to be selfish.

Even now, i felt guilty. Steve is having his 3rd year, 2nd sem. I don't want to affect his studies. My parents like him alot. My dad saw as "talking" on monday morning when he came to find me to talk. My parents asked whether we quarreled. My dad mentioned yesterday that he is a gd guy, and that i shouldn't be that bad to him. I did not tell them about my issue with him. I just nodded. Sigh.

He promised to change now, but is it useful? Will it really change anything? Me n louis also patch n break many times. He always promise to change, but in the end, nothing seem to be able to work out.. I'm tired. I know i should not generalise the entire scenario, but i'm just more comfortable with my stand now - to stay alone.

Sigh. I felt like setting up a challenge for him. Maybe to request him to stay away from me for e entire semester. If he can do well for his studies, i'll go back to him. At least this way, it may give me some "rest" time, and him to rethink AGAIN what he wants. I want him to do well in his studies. Sigh. . . I need even more time to myself.

Knowing i may appear heartless, i have to do what i must. I don't know how i feel anymore, except, to live for myself. I need more time.

1/22/2009 08:24:00 AM|